Like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm.

Ahh. Major Payne is awesome.

Just so you know, every time I see a new entry, you remind me to blog again. I don't think I can watch Blade Trinity without being reminded of you either.

I think uni is semi-back on track. I'm prepared for my calc test tomorrow, slowly getting into better study habits. I'm looking forward to picking up more general knowledge and skills regarding Data Structures and Algorithms and re-learning some of this Calculus crap.

I still have these periods where my mind cannot focus on anything for a period of time. But I think it's got a bit to do with the temperature. Lacking air-conditioning, it gets hot and humid in this house and I begin to get listless and unfocused. It doesn't help with three desktop computers and a laptop running near-constantly.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Dear Blog,

I'm not a good person.

Apparently I can't keep myself to myself and did something I shouldn't have once more with that lovely young lady. Once again, afterwards we felt like absolute shit and realised that what lies between us is not just a respect and admiration for each other's intellect and caring nature, but some form of attraction on a deeper level.

To this end, we have discussed things between the two of us and I have talked to The Girlfriend and me and that lovely young lady are going to accept that we are not meant for each other at this time. I really do care about her though, she has helped me a lot through some recent troubles and has really been a source of inspiration and intelligence, so I do not want this to be the end of our friendship at all. Of course, it is upto her where we go from now though, so time will tell.

In other news, my love for uni has been rekindled and some of my mental health as well. I think overall tihngs should be looking up from here, so let's see where this world takes us.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Flight of the Pariah

And just like that, I am shunned so easily as I was called back.

My dearest smother has taken it upon herself to remove me from her household. She told me to get out and doesn't want me back there it seems. This is over her saying that I am constantly on drugs, at all times. So I tried to tell her I wasn't and she flipped. She said I was a bad son, that my father was a bad role model and that I should just leave.

I think the one thing that made me snap and call her "despicable" after everything she's said and done and told me to do, was that she insulted my father. No one, not least my mother, has the right to do that, given he's one of the few reasons I'm still alive. Worse than this, in the years since they originally divorced, he never spoke a bad word of her and there she stands, spitting his name like venom.

So I'm at the Girlfriend's place, it seems I might be hear for a while. This isn't the first time it's happened either. I was kicked out of my dad's house when I was 15, but his reasoning was slightly more sound. I had just admitted to him I was bisexual and well, he was raised quite conservatively and couldn't really take it. I'm not saying what he did was right, but I know it was hard for him to deal with and I was being a shit to him as well.

But this action of my dearest Smother has annoyed me beyond belief. Every 3 months she goes off her rocker at me. So this move is probably for the best for now.

My freakin' God. I hate being this pissed off and depressed. I hate wanting to off myself. But that wouldn't really be nice to anyone I know.

Being in the army would be so much easier right now.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

To hell with it.

I really, really can't explain myself right now.

While talking to a new friend - one who has truly opened my mind in the past few days and really stimulated my mind - I came across the realisation that I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

I'm not studying for the degree that requires so much more of my attention. I'm not working with the same passion my cushy job usually inspires within me. I can't concentrate on any task without being torn from focus by the smallest distraction.

My throat is swollen and sore, my mind and body are plagued by lethargy. All I want right now is to be back in the moment. Floor lit by a steady stream of swinging lights and strobe flashes. The world is all in one room. There is no sound but the steady pulse of the DJ's music, the bass shaking the foundations of existence, the ebb and flow of the songs. The comrades, dancing to the beat along with me. The other five hundred people are just background art as I stomp with my friends, the three of us shouting and cheering.

Of course, memory is coloured by our emotions. The filter of my mind is scrubbing the Scotty's Ex from the picture. The vapid whore, the wife of Hades. Death brought upon everything she touches, bringing nothing but shame and anger. But with delusions and manipulation, she has wormed her way into his life and face-to-face, I must be nice. Missing too is the LanceArmstrong, he had brought the downfall of his own night by trying to harm the fun of others and thusly, got what he deserved. But this all matters not, because that memory is something to look upon fondly, to remember with great happiness.

Aside from that, I think one thing my mind is struggling with at the moment is Fox. In such a short time I've developed such a strong bond with her. We sit and talk for hours, face-to-face. It has been a while since I've found someone who can be that mentally stimulating and pleasant to chat with. Of course, this has brought around it's own series of problems as described previously. The weirdest part of how much I do admire and respect you Fox, is that people have previously talked of you as a close relative to any number of horrid toxins. Not just have you proven them wrong, but you've actually seemed to beat my normal standard of "human", instead being someone I would gladly talk to as a confidant. I think knowing you're not coming back to the Borg to work is upsetting me as well, because I'm sure many people would dearly love to see you there again.

I feel worried.
Right now I feel like I can't talk to anyone, not even the Girlfriend sitting across from me. In fact, you do seem like the only person I can talk to at the moment and you're many miles of copper cabling away. Different times and different places I guess. You're smart, you're witty, you're cute and you're interesting. I hate you for giving me someone that I actively want to get to know the whole, true story behind, someone to care about.

If it remains the true story as well, you have one thing over most people as well.

DAMN YOU CYNICISM.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Crash Landings

I guess Time proved once again that I'm not always a good person. Through a combination of my own idiocy and impulsive thinking, I jeopardised my relationship with the Girlfriend (it seems common amongst bloggers to replace real names with fake ones, so here I go). Foolish as my actions were, with different times and different places, they would have made me a happy man. A shame for the unfathomable nature of universes made distinct by small choices.

I'm not here to contest the morality of my decisions or to punish myself, the demons who flay my soul for my sins have done enough of that. Mitigating factors and excuses aside, it is time to move on with life. The Girlfriend is surprisingly not too bothered about it all and has advised me to move on with my current course of actions (work, study, kill, repeat).

To compound my recent desires to spread discord through myself and those I know, I've seemingly taken it upon myself to burn my ambitions and proactively work towards ruin as my previously studious habits now lie in ashes. Thankfully tonight I was able to take some time to re-ignite those flames, hopefully beginning to get back on track, to make sure that I can prove to myself and everyone else that I can not just reach for the stars, but touch them too.

On the work front of life's war, the job has been partially stagnant, I need to be more on the watch for things to do though, which I'll aim for over the coming days. I should hopefully be progressing work more into the domain of one of the top social networking sites, helping to increase brand awareness and make us appear "hip" to the new generation. All-in-all, following our parent company seems to be the word of the now.

To finance, with my lowered pay rate (full-time study would not go well with full-time work) I've come accross difficulties living life to the same extent I was before. Unfortunately, this comes at the same time as my desire to "get on the gear" increases. So I'm learning to cut back on excess expenditure in general, hoping to save some money and achieve a few more goals this year.

On a different and more pleasant note, it's been nice to meet and converse with some new faces. To Fox, it's been a pleasure to get to know you better, how odd that we had never gotten to really talk, despite how interlinked our friend's are. To good times ahead.

So onwards to new times, both pleasant and painful, fruitful and wasteful.
In the words of one of the greatest Captains who ever lived;
"Make it so."

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Higher Learning

Back in 2008 I moved out of my high-school coccoon and became a university student. But it appears that at the time I had left my coccoon of safety early and fell quite far. Not many people realise just how far, but the truth is, far enough to warrant an academic suspension of one year from University.

So, feeling a bit lost, I decided to enter the business world and got a Technical Support position with a local ISP. Great working conditions, a computer-based job that allowed me to learn more about networking and telecommunications, good pay and some great working conditions really helped bring me back up to a good quality of life and living. Of course, it did get tiring and draining after a while and I wanted a change. So to affect this change, I decided to return to university.

Re-enrolled and attending again, I'm studying three units (but still considered full-time) and working 32 hours at my job and getting back into the swing of university life.

Quite a lovely so far, my lectures and lecturers are all quite pleasant for two of my three units. Unfortunately, my third unit looks like it's going to be the challenging one. The slides are taken down before notes can go up, he puts things up without explaining them and frankly, leaves us a bit in the dust.

To counterract this, I'm going to need to spend a few days studying over my old programming textbooks (since I'm now about a year and a half out of practice) until I'm upto speed there, then try and tackle some of the theories being thrown at us.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

PS: Matrix (2D-array) transpositions, is there a simpler method to do it (even it it means transposing it into a new array, temporary or permanent) that does not involve two nested loops? I think the language of focus at the moment is Java.

EDIT: I never updated this before, but the trick is just to have a boolean variable to tell whether the array is transposed. If it is, any access/modification to a (x,y) co-ordinate are instead accessed in (y,x) order. Thus the "transpose" method is a constant time function.

Pew Pew.

Again I post tired and before turning in for the night.

Recently I've fallen into the trap of video games. I find something and play it through until it begins to supplant other parts of my life. Most recently, a full playthrough of Bioshock and now Alien Vs Predator. All of this has been interspersed with many multiplayer rounds of Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Team Deathmatch).

Why do I let them take me over?

There is no simple answer for this and in many cases, the answer is not one the layman would understand.

I hold videogames dear for the continuous state of progression and instant gratification they hold. Life is not something that can be torn through at a speedy pace. University, career paths and promotions take a lot of time and work. Video gaming, especially in the First Person Shooter genre of video games has a very high rate of progression through the storyline. You identify the problem, find the solution and complete it, all in the space of a few hours.

To continue this point, progression is also rewarded heavily. New abilities/weapons/skills/areas are rewarded for your efforts. A good video game is designed to let a player test out the new reward and once they begin to tire of it, they complete yet another challenge and the next reward is delivered.

The next major point behind the modern addiction to video games is the different worlds they allow us to escape to. From hunting down genetically-altered mutants to sniping world leaders, you can be anything and anyone you want in a video game. No longer constrained by the limitations of your socio-economic status, your nationality and physical/mental limitations, you can be whatever you want and do whatever you want.

Further to this, good games react on a level similar to good art, great literature or a perfect movie. A world is created before your eyes and the goal of the producer is to drag you in. To make you feel that you truly are a part of their little world. They want to make you fear the creeping aliens, feel vertigo as you leap between buildings while running from the police, scream out for your fallen comrades. So few forms of artistry can touch so many of your senses yet still keep such a level of interactivity.

What I have outlined above is the true beauty of video games. Of course, many do not see them this way, clouded by the casual crap and the Pong and Pacman of bygone ages. Many of these people can not and will not ever see the same thing that the video game nerd will, but the benefit of the doubt would oft still be appreciated.

Fin

With the exception of that little essay, my life has been starting to fill up again. The new position at work is enjoyable and flexible, the new beginnings at uni are coming up this week and should get me one step closer to a new chapter and achievement in life. I'm still feeling a bit odd, but I'm going to put it down to lack of exercise and ambition.

Oh, I'm also living at the girlfriend's house for now. I'm thinking of moving back home for university transport reasons and the comfort of my own room. Under the same relationship thing, I'm not really feeling anything for any of the people I previously believed I liked. Turns out neither of them are the sort of people I could be with for any sort of decent term. Neither provide the level of mental stimulation and intelligent discussion I crave.