Thankfully

I had dinner out with Dad last night, it was nice to catch up with him, chat about life, the universe and everything. He also reminded me of a good saying, "Take a teaspoon of cement and harden the fuck up". It'll be nice to apply that again and get over this fragile emotional period.

Excepting this, things have been weird. It appears that the plans-that-may-have-been are just going to be the plans-that-will-never. This means I don't get closure and sit here wondering on what-could-have-been.

It has been lovely being your friend so far Fox. May this continue on into the future. Perhaps at some point you could also teach me how to understand wine more so I don't end up just swilling goon.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Highly Strung

I had a pretty odd weekend. Some pretty awesome parts. Me, Fox and The Girlfriend look like we're going to be spending more time together, which I think will be interesting to see how it progresses. I really do give a shit about both of them, they've helped me a lot in recent times.

I also broke down on Sunday night, told Jaynnie about my past. Wasn't really enjoyable, don't want to do it again. I much prefer being more emotionless and cold. Time to armour myself up again.

Back at uni today, not doing to badly. Need to keep working on my Databases and a bit more on Calculus.

I'll admit that I'm worried about what could be happening in the future. I don't want to hurt anyone and don't want anyone to feel second best. I wanted to see if this could work or could go ahead. If it can't though, I'm understanding of that too.

Too hard.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Ouch.

So I stumbled upon a horrible realisation this afternoon in a meeting with Smother. I can't have a lengthy, in-depth discussion with her without feeling more mentally unstable or more like I want to off myself afterward. Despite this, I don't know how I can really tell her this without her going off at me and saying that I'm just making shit up to hurt her.

I've told her I'll email her about what's happening in my life at some point soon. So I may have a day or two to think about what I should write I guess.

I feel like hell.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Changing Impressions

Apparently it is possible to retroactively change first impressions.

When we originally met, after chatting about our lives with you, my first impression is as such. You were a bit of a Chaser/Centrals kid who had some pretty shit things happen in life. You got raped, someone paid you heaps of money to devirginise you as a young kid and you went through a series of bad relationships and one night stands and did a lot of things you weren't proud of. Despite all this, you ended up being a good person with her head screwed on mostly right.

Since everything has come to light, you've managed to retroactively change my first impression of you.

You're a spoilt, daddy's little rich fangirl who apparently had such a boring life that you had to lie about everything to make an interesting backstory about yourself.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

I don't know?

You did it again last night, didn't you?

I heard about it on the wire though, which worries me. It means they're getting onto you, another step closer to finding out who you really are. Please be careful, I don't want to see you hurt again. I don't think I can take losing you as well, no matter how noble the cause.

The worst part in my mind is no matter how many people shout and riot and die for the cause, I don't think the hatred will stop. They will still keep us the downtrodden workers of this class-based state, no matter how many times we protest. No class above cares, we're just the blue-collar workers, hidden from view and lobotomised when we don't follow the rules.

Kane told me you were right as well to keep boiling the water, there is something in it. He thinks that's what's keeping the Southern Sector so docile despite all the crap that's happening there. He also said that might be what's increasing the spread of the disease. I know you said he's sometimes a crackpot, but I'm starting to think there might be more truth to his theory that they are actually spreading it. Especially since Genetech just announced they may be able to modify a vat-grown fetus to be completely obedient.

Whatever the truth may be, please stay safe. I want to see you again one day. I want to see you for real as well, not just as a news article and not as an obituary.

All my love,
The-Girl-By-The-Window.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

PS: Self-sabotage tears me to pieces.

I said don't just stand there, come in.

I haven't been without internet and power for an entire night since about the early 2000's. This is something that pissed me off to no end. That, combined with the previous strong usage of LSD and the S.T.A.L.K.E.R series of games produced a number of delusions that society would be crumbling when I woke up. I'm not too sure whether to be overly happy that this wasn't the case.

The power and internet still hadn't returned by the morning.

The benefit was The Girlfriend and I managed to cook dinner last night without microwave and we got to chatting about some odd and interesting things. Cryptic as I may be, I'm really interested to see what happens with those discussions from here.

Part of me still wishes I could live in Vic Park. I would be closer to the city and probably less likely to lose power/internet. I may be catching up with Smother on Thursday afternoon/evening. I'm going to tell her what she's doing to be such a bitch and how she can stop. Then if she wants me back, I'm going to dictate the terms of my living so there won't be any more of this shit. Especially no more raising my board and cutting out my benefits every few months.

I'm happy with my job at least for the now, I'm earning pretty decent money while studying, so hopefully I'll be able to save more, maybe work towards getting my license.

Part of me still feels horrible for some unknown (or unwilling to discuss) reason(s). I think I need to get into exercising more often. This may help fix some of my headspace and get me into shape again.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm.

Ahh. Major Payne is awesome.

Just so you know, every time I see a new entry, you remind me to blog again. I don't think I can watch Blade Trinity without being reminded of you either.

I think uni is semi-back on track. I'm prepared for my calc test tomorrow, slowly getting into better study habits. I'm looking forward to picking up more general knowledge and skills regarding Data Structures and Algorithms and re-learning some of this Calculus crap.

I still have these periods where my mind cannot focus on anything for a period of time. But I think it's got a bit to do with the temperature. Lacking air-conditioning, it gets hot and humid in this house and I begin to get listless and unfocused. It doesn't help with three desktop computers and a laptop running near-constantly.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Dear Blog,

I'm not a good person.

Apparently I can't keep myself to myself and did something I shouldn't have once more with that lovely young lady. Once again, afterwards we felt like absolute shit and realised that what lies between us is not just a respect and admiration for each other's intellect and caring nature, but some form of attraction on a deeper level.

To this end, we have discussed things between the two of us and I have talked to The Girlfriend and me and that lovely young lady are going to accept that we are not meant for each other at this time. I really do care about her though, she has helped me a lot through some recent troubles and has really been a source of inspiration and intelligence, so I do not want this to be the end of our friendship at all. Of course, it is upto her where we go from now though, so time will tell.

In other news, my love for uni has been rekindled and some of my mental health as well. I think overall tihngs should be looking up from here, so let's see where this world takes us.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Flight of the Pariah

And just like that, I am shunned so easily as I was called back.

My dearest smother has taken it upon herself to remove me from her household. She told me to get out and doesn't want me back there it seems. This is over her saying that I am constantly on drugs, at all times. So I tried to tell her I wasn't and she flipped. She said I was a bad son, that my father was a bad role model and that I should just leave.

I think the one thing that made me snap and call her "despicable" after everything she's said and done and told me to do, was that she insulted my father. No one, not least my mother, has the right to do that, given he's one of the few reasons I'm still alive. Worse than this, in the years since they originally divorced, he never spoke a bad word of her and there she stands, spitting his name like venom.

So I'm at the Girlfriend's place, it seems I might be hear for a while. This isn't the first time it's happened either. I was kicked out of my dad's house when I was 15, but his reasoning was slightly more sound. I had just admitted to him I was bisexual and well, he was raised quite conservatively and couldn't really take it. I'm not saying what he did was right, but I know it was hard for him to deal with and I was being a shit to him as well.

But this action of my dearest Smother has annoyed me beyond belief. Every 3 months she goes off her rocker at me. So this move is probably for the best for now.

My freakin' God. I hate being this pissed off and depressed. I hate wanting to off myself. But that wouldn't really be nice to anyone I know.

Being in the army would be so much easier right now.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

To hell with it.

I really, really can't explain myself right now.

While talking to a new friend - one who has truly opened my mind in the past few days and really stimulated my mind - I came across the realisation that I don't know what I'm doing with myself.

I'm not studying for the degree that requires so much more of my attention. I'm not working with the same passion my cushy job usually inspires within me. I can't concentrate on any task without being torn from focus by the smallest distraction.

My throat is swollen and sore, my mind and body are plagued by lethargy. All I want right now is to be back in the moment. Floor lit by a steady stream of swinging lights and strobe flashes. The world is all in one room. There is no sound but the steady pulse of the DJ's music, the bass shaking the foundations of existence, the ebb and flow of the songs. The comrades, dancing to the beat along with me. The other five hundred people are just background art as I stomp with my friends, the three of us shouting and cheering.

Of course, memory is coloured by our emotions. The filter of my mind is scrubbing the Scotty's Ex from the picture. The vapid whore, the wife of Hades. Death brought upon everything she touches, bringing nothing but shame and anger. But with delusions and manipulation, she has wormed her way into his life and face-to-face, I must be nice. Missing too is the LanceArmstrong, he had brought the downfall of his own night by trying to harm the fun of others and thusly, got what he deserved. But this all matters not, because that memory is something to look upon fondly, to remember with great happiness.

Aside from that, I think one thing my mind is struggling with at the moment is Fox. In such a short time I've developed such a strong bond with her. We sit and talk for hours, face-to-face. It has been a while since I've found someone who can be that mentally stimulating and pleasant to chat with. Of course, this has brought around it's own series of problems as described previously. The weirdest part of how much I do admire and respect you Fox, is that people have previously talked of you as a close relative to any number of horrid toxins. Not just have you proven them wrong, but you've actually seemed to beat my normal standard of "human", instead being someone I would gladly talk to as a confidant. I think knowing you're not coming back to the Borg to work is upsetting me as well, because I'm sure many people would dearly love to see you there again.

I feel worried.
Right now I feel like I can't talk to anyone, not even the Girlfriend sitting across from me. In fact, you do seem like the only person I can talk to at the moment and you're many miles of copper cabling away. Different times and different places I guess. You're smart, you're witty, you're cute and you're interesting. I hate you for giving me someone that I actively want to get to know the whole, true story behind, someone to care about.

If it remains the true story as well, you have one thing over most people as well.

DAMN YOU CYNICISM.

Regards,
Adam O'Grady

Crash Landings

I guess Time proved once again that I'm not always a good person. Through a combination of my own idiocy and impulsive thinking, I jeopardised my relationship with the Girlfriend (it seems common amongst bloggers to replace real names with fake ones, so here I go). Foolish as my actions were, with different times and different places, they would have made me a happy man. A shame for the unfathomable nature of universes made distinct by small choices.

I'm not here to contest the morality of my decisions or to punish myself, the demons who flay my soul for my sins have done enough of that. Mitigating factors and excuses aside, it is time to move on with life. The Girlfriend is surprisingly not too bothered about it all and has advised me to move on with my current course of actions (work, study, kill, repeat).

To compound my recent desires to spread discord through myself and those I know, I've seemingly taken it upon myself to burn my ambitions and proactively work towards ruin as my previously studious habits now lie in ashes. Thankfully tonight I was able to take some time to re-ignite those flames, hopefully beginning to get back on track, to make sure that I can prove to myself and everyone else that I can not just reach for the stars, but touch them too.

On the work front of life's war, the job has been partially stagnant, I need to be more on the watch for things to do though, which I'll aim for over the coming days. I should hopefully be progressing work more into the domain of one of the top social networking sites, helping to increase brand awareness and make us appear "hip" to the new generation. All-in-all, following our parent company seems to be the word of the now.

To finance, with my lowered pay rate (full-time study would not go well with full-time work) I've come accross difficulties living life to the same extent I was before. Unfortunately, this comes at the same time as my desire to "get on the gear" increases. So I'm learning to cut back on excess expenditure in general, hoping to save some money and achieve a few more goals this year.

On a different and more pleasant note, it's been nice to meet and converse with some new faces. To Fox, it's been a pleasure to get to know you better, how odd that we had never gotten to really talk, despite how interlinked our friend's are. To good times ahead.

So onwards to new times, both pleasant and painful, fruitful and wasteful.
In the words of one of the greatest Captains who ever lived;
"Make it so."

Regards,
Adam O'Grady